I'm looking in the mirror and I'm disgusted by what I see. I see an pudgy faced girl, with no make up. I see a girl who has dark circles under her eyes, a mustache growing on her upper lip and bushy eye brows that make a person double-take. Then I look down from her face. I see fat arms with bumps all over and swollen fingers. Further still and I see a donut/muffin top/inter-tube encircling her mid-section. I see pants that don't fit right, and shirts that are either too big or too tight. How did I let this happen? How did a once skinny girl become so unattractive? I'll tell you how. It's her inability to say no.
Dr. Pepper has always been a part of my life, ever since about the 3rd grade. I became friends with a girl who was allowed to drink one Dr. Pepper a day, only if she asked for permission. Even though it was never a rule in my house, it became one for me. I would ask my mother for permission to drink a Dr. Pepper and then I would limit it to that one. I never asked her for another one just because I didn't think I could. Until one day. I can't remember exactly when that was-- I was probably in high school or something. But I asked if I could have another one, and mom said "Oh, I don't care, honey". And thus began my journey. My journey to fat-ness.
Since being pregnant and married, I found myself to not care what I look like. It's always been a hatred of mine to wear make-up and get all dolled up for things like going out with friends, going out to eat, or even going to work. I just don't consider myself a girly-girl and therefore I don't take the time to put make up on. After I had McCoy, I noticed that I lost a lot of weight and I began to get back to "normal" (whatever that is). And I continued to drink my Dr. Pepper and eat my cookies. And then as I breast-fed less, I packed on more pounds. My mother was right, breastfeeding helps keep the weight off. But as he needed less, I felt like I needed more. Perhaps I've filled that void in my life (McCoy "needing" me less) with eating.
Everyday, I walk into work and I say to myself, "This will be the day that I quit eating chocolate and/or Dr. Pepper." As I say this, I tell myself, "tomorrow, tomorrow.... I will start tomorrow." I have no will power. I look at my friends from college and high school and even my own family members and I can't help comparing myself to them. It's human nature to compare oneself to others.
What am I going to do? I have no idea. I wish I could say I would/could work out and work on eating more healthy-- cutting out the unneccessary fat from my life. But I can't do it alone. I need someone (not someone skinny and already less than their healthy weight), to help me keep on track. I need a plan. For once in my life, I have no plan. I have nothing to guide me into the right direction.
Please help me. What do I need to do in order to get back to myself? To be happy with my image? To be comfortable in my own clothes and body? What can I do (besides going to the gym)? Let's face it, I won't do it-- it is going to have to be something that I can do without really knowing I'm working out.
Maybe a game will work with me. Maybe I should log EVERYTHING I eat on my blog in order to be accountable for it. But I need someone to actually hold me accountable. Like a pen-pal or something. Maybe I get so many "points" for not having chocolate or Dr. Pepper each day. Maybe I need a new hobby, something to do with McCoy that will take my mind off eating and drinking that sinful drink. Let's see if I can come up with a game for myself that will make me want to strive for excellence. I know I can't do it alone. Maybe I can recruit my mother in playing with me (or holding me accountable). Yes, let's start there.
