I'm looking in the mirror and I'm disgusted by what I see. I see an pudgy faced girl, with no make up. I see a girl who has dark circles under her eyes, a mustache growing on her upper lip and bushy eye brows that make a person double-take. Then I look down from her face. I see fat arms with bumps all over and swollen fingers. Further still and I see a donut/muffin top/inter-tube encircling her mid-section. I see pants that don't fit right, and shirts that are either too big or too tight. How did I let this happen? How did a once skinny girl become so unattractive? I'll tell you how. It's her inability to say no.
Dr. Pepper has always been a part of my life, ever since about the 3rd grade. I became friends with a girl who was allowed to drink one Dr. Pepper a day, only if she asked for permission. Even though it was never a rule in my house, it became one for me. I would ask my mother for permission to drink a Dr. Pepper and then I would limit it to that one. I never asked her for another one just because I didn't think I could. Until one day. I can't remember exactly when that was-- I was probably in high school or something. But I asked if I could have another one, and mom said "Oh, I don't care, honey". And thus began my journey. My journey to fat-ness.
Since being pregnant and married, I found myself to not care what I look like. It's always been a hatred of mine to wear make-up and get all dolled up for things like going out with friends, going out to eat, or even going to work. I just don't consider myself a girly-girl and therefore I don't take the time to put make up on. After I had McCoy, I noticed that I lost a lot of weight and I began to get back to "normal" (whatever that is). And I continued to drink my Dr. Pepper and eat my cookies. And then as I breast-fed less, I packed on more pounds. My mother was right, breastfeeding helps keep the weight off. But as he needed less, I felt like I needed more. Perhaps I've filled that void in my life (McCoy "needing" me less) with eating.
Everyday, I walk into work and I say to myself, "This will be the day that I quit eating chocolate and/or Dr. Pepper." As I say this, I tell myself, "tomorrow, tomorrow.... I will start tomorrow." I have no will power. I look at my friends from college and high school and even my own family members and I can't help comparing myself to them. It's human nature to compare oneself to others.
What am I going to do? I have no idea. I wish I could say I would/could work out and work on eating more healthy-- cutting out the unneccessary fat from my life. But I can't do it alone. I need someone (not someone skinny and already less than their healthy weight), to help me keep on track. I need a plan. For once in my life, I have no plan. I have nothing to guide me into the right direction.
Please help me. What do I need to do in order to get back to myself? To be happy with my image? To be comfortable in my own clothes and body? What can I do (besides going to the gym)? Let's face it, I won't do it-- it is going to have to be something that I can do without really knowing I'm working out.
Maybe a game will work with me. Maybe I should log EVERYTHING I eat on my blog in order to be accountable for it. But I need someone to actually hold me accountable. Like a pen-pal or something. Maybe I get so many "points" for not having chocolate or Dr. Pepper each day. Maybe I need a new hobby, something to do with McCoy that will take my mind off eating and drinking that sinful drink. Let's see if I can come up with a game for myself that will make me want to strive for excellence. I know I can't do it alone. Maybe I can recruit my mother in playing with me (or holding me accountable). Yes, let's start there.
Tenessa. I love you, and you are beautiful. I don't know if you are targeting me in the "not someone skinny and already less than their healthy weight" category, but remember that there was a time in my life when I felt like this, too. I was 30 lbs overweight, and I hated how I felt because of it. I was working and caring for a newborn baby, and I just didn't have the time to care for myself. Can you believe that it was a Gameboy game that got me back on the path to health? A game called "Weightloss Coach" helped me track what I was eating, and how much I was exercising. Sounds silly, but it helped. It gave me a coach without the sometimes-humiliating feeling of having someone else "ride" me on my eating and exercise regimen. I know you probably don't want my advice or help, but know that I am here, should you change your mind. I have recipes, I can be a good exercise buddy (exercise is something I need to improve on, too), and I can lend moral support. If you don't want my help, at least remember to be kind to yourself. Try to celebrate your successes each day, instead of dwelling on your failings. I love you.
ReplyDeleteT-this post spoke to me... I was pretty thin in high school, i've always struggled with my weight. I was almost admitted to that snazzy clinic in topeka for eating disorders a few times. So.not.fun.
ReplyDeleteI totally feel you on the breastfeeding bit-I felt like everyone around me was loosing all of this weight by doing it. Not me. I also had the weight gain around 6 months when Nolan (now 2, of course) started eating solids. When he stopped nursing as much, I didn't change my eating habits.
I had Ava pretty close to Nolan-they are 21 months apart-and I was still nursing Nolan when I was 6 months pregnant (oi ve). I only allowed myself about 4 months of time off from nursing one, before I was on to the next.
My body hasn't had a whole lot of time to recoop- that being said-how frustrating is it when you go workout, and then feel like you need to eat an elephant?! I always feel like it's such a catch 22-workout to help loose weight, but since i'm nursing my appetite then goes crrrazy!
So, here's what I've decided to do-workout and exercise to be healthy. Not to loose weight. I feel that by doing so, I am setting a goal-an attainable goal. One where I'm not counting the tick marks on the scale, or counting calories.
I also think that by not stressing out about gaining a pound from the day before, I just might loose more-and I won't even be trying. Imagine that!
Making good choices is hard-especially when the resources aren't readily available (like whole foods etc). I think cutting Dr. pepper is going to be HUGE for you-all of those empty calories!
If I were you, I wouldn't cut out chocolate completely-then if you do have a bit, the chances of you binging are greater. Instead, maybe try what i do (?)-I keep a bag of dark chocolate chips ( 60% cacao ) in the fridge. When I get the hankering for a sweet snack-i'll grab four, and only four. I usually only have 8 a day-pretty good if I say so myself!
I know it's hard to find someone that will be a good workout partner- I know Suzie would be a great one. One that would be encouraging-i'm sure you would do the same for her! Be grateful for having someone around that is willing do workout with you! I wish I had someone!!
hugs-
Sam
I just happened to think-as I was filling up my water bottle. Try drinking out of different things. Sounds silly, but I love drinking water out of bottles-some people find that they drink more from a straw!
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