tired.

Mom time.

Please don't get me wrong.  I love being a mother.  I love being a mother to McCoy.  He is so sweet and so charming.  His little personality is starting to shine through and everyday he seems to learn more and is able to express himself better.  I love watching him explore the world around him and develop into such a little boy.

But I'm tired.  I'm tired because not only am I being a mother to McCoy, I'm also being a wife to Whit, a piano teacher to my students, a bell ringer with Rezound, and a music teacher to some 500 children.  When I get home, I'm exhausted.  I want to rest and relaxed.  But as nature calls, I can't.  I need to be at rehearsal.  I need to cook dinner.  I need to nurse my baby.  I need to teach piano.  I need to clean up the house.  

I love my life.  I don't want to change anything.  But I want to escape for only a day (or two!).  I know I could never do that for several reasons.  The first reason would be that it is unpractical.  McCoy is only 11 months old.  I can't leave my family.  The other reason is I have to continue with my obligations.  And the final reason is because even if I DID escape for a day or two, I wouldn't be able to relax.  I wouldn't be able to do what I wanted to do because I would worry all day and all night about my little baby boy.  

The thing is, even if I did come home and relax, the stuff would be waiting for me the next day and the next day and the next.  Then I would feel overwhelmed and behind and rushed. 

Thank you, dear reader for listening to me complain.  Again.

Time to get happy, Tenessa.   

Every Second Counts, Every Minute Matters, Every Hour is Important

This is NO WAY, shape or form against what my mother and I talked about when I got home from Rezound tonight. I promise, Momma. I'm not mad or sad or angry about our conversation-- it just made me think about time.

Time is so funny. I have been accused before (not just by my mommy) that I spend my time in an un-prioritized way. So, I want to prove to myself that I actually do more than just play on the computer, blog, take pictures, watch tv or eat. I want to prove to myself that I'm doing what I say I'm doing. Every second counts, every minute matters, every hour is important. How can I say that I don't have time  to do something that is necessary for my family or the up-keep of my household.  I don't have time to do the dishes; I don't have time to clean the floors; I don't have time  to mop the kitchen floor; I don't have time to run to the bank, or fold the laundry or, or, or.  The list will go on.

I have done this assignment before.  I did it once for a class (now I can't remember which one).  I know that Dr. Johnson was our teacher and for one week, we were to record EVERYTHING we did.  This was to prove that people say they too busy to get stuff done and they don't have time for anything.  This was to prove that they have the same 24 hours as the rest of us.  So, maybe it's time that I re-visit this little assignment.  I will get myself a little notebook (don't worry, Whit, I will use one I already have.  There is no need to buy a fresh one, although I'd like to!) and I will record what I'm doing for every 15 minutes of a week (let's try for the rest of the work week-- maybe I can remember what I did today, but we'll just start tonight). This is to prove what?  That I really am busy?  Or that I really don't have the time to the necessary stuff I need to?  Or to prove to myself that I need to re-visit the way I spend my time?  I think we shall find out!

(Just a little side note-- don't you think it's funny that I'm excited about giving myself a homework assignment?  I think someone  is ready to go back to schhoooooooolllll!!!) :)

Now, should I post every night?  Or wait until next week and post the entire thing?  Let's try every night... I think that will hold me more accountable.

Again, I want to stress that my mom loves me and that she is not scolding or yelling at me about time... I love my mother and I think she knows exactly what I need, when I need it.  Thank you, Mother!

Confidence

Sometimes when I am stressed out or having a bad day, something speaks to me.  I usually find it in an unexpected place or fashion.  Today, 4^th graders are watching “The Sound of Music”, and they just watched, “I Have Confidence”.  How perfect.  Especially since the stress level of my job is on the fritz.  Four programs in six weeks left of school.  Goodness me. 

Oh, I must stop these doubts, all these worries
If I don't I just know I'll turn back
I must dream of the things I am seeking
I am seeking the courage I lack

The courage to serve them with reliance
Face my mistakes without defiance
Show them I'm worthy
And while I show them
I'll show me

So, let them bring on all their problems
I'll do better than my best
I have confidence they'll put me to the test
But I'll make them see I have confidence in me

Somehow I will impress them
I will be firm but kind
And all those children (Heaven bless them!)
They will look up to me

And mind me with each step I am more certain
Everything will turn out fine
I have confidence the world can all be mine
They'll have to agree I have confidence in me

I have confidence in sunshine
I have confidence in rain
I have confidence that spring will come again
Besides which you see I have confidence in me

Strength doesn't lie in numbers
Strength doesn't lie in wealth
Strength lies in nights of peaceful slumbers
When you wake up -- Wake Up!

It tells me all I trust I lead my heart to
All I trust becomes my own
I have confidence in confidence alone
(Oh help!)

I have confidence in confidence alone
Besides which you see I have confidence in me!

I have learned many things about programs this first year in this district.

1)      I will always put 6^th, 5^th and perhaps 4^th grade in the fall.  By April/May, these kids are out-of-control-crazy.

2)      The younger kiddos can use less time to get their programs ready.  Because we drill, drill, drill.  They get it.

3)      Auditioning after school.

4)      Print the programs at least week beforehand, as to not stress out the office staff.

I will make it through with flying colors.  I will do my best, and end with a wonderful year.

“Everything will turn out fine”.  I have confidence.

Regrets

I have a problem.

I have known about this problem for a while. Maybe about 10 years or so. It's a problem that has its ups and downs. Mostly downs. It gets me into trouble. Makes me feel bad inside. Gets me into fights with the people I love. Takes me away from the things I cherish most.

I need to get better. For good. Not just a year or so but forever more.

I can't say no.

I am a member of KCMTA again this year. And I **agreed** to handle the Multi-Piano enrollments for the big concert in February. The deadline is October 31. I have about 30 people emailing me all day asking me for this or that or whatnot. I knew that the baby was due the same time. And what did I do? I said "SURE!! I'D LOVE TO BE IN CHARGE OF THAT! I CAN HANDLE THAT! NO PROBLEM!" Well, I have regrets.

I don't want to do it anymore-- but only because I don't think I'm doing my best. The "boss" lady was supposed to call and chat it up with me today about things, and I'm going to bed instead.

I need a constant reminder that when people ask me to do stuff-- big stuff, I need to really think about it. Is this what I want to do? For real? Can I do it without feeling overwhelmed or stressed out? Can I do it to the best of my ability?

Needless to say, MP will be great and I will do a fine job. It's just not a "Tenessa-Fine" job. You know what I mean.