second thoughts

Well, it seems as though I might have done the wrong thing here.  I posted about my unhappiness with my weight and appearance and I got "in trouble" for it.  I thought blogs were supposed to be a journal.  Yes, I know.  It's a journal that everyone can read, but still it's supposed to be my thoughts and feelings.  I very rarely type out how something has actually made me feel.  It is something I wanted to improve on with my writing.  When I post to my blog, I write about what happened during my day, how I'm going to better myself, what I plan to do next, lists, lists, lists... it seems as though my online journal has little to do with me.  The person who is doing all the writing.

I want to have someone hold me accountable for losing weight, but I know that the changes need to start with me.  My list making skills will always be present-- so I thought I would start where I'm comfortable.  A list.

Changes I need to make ASAP:
-don't drink any more Dr. Pepper
-drink only water
-make at least one healthy meal a day (usually dinner)
-walk, walk, walk
-pray

Things to start in the near future:
-exercise (GROAN)
-read motivational books, quotes, blogs
-healthy meal planning (cut out meats??)
-eat more fresh produce and vegetables
-thinking about joining weight watchers
-create a blog just about my "journey" to freedom

What else shall I add to that list?

Here is what I've done so far:
-enrolled in Sparkpeople.com (so many people suggested that-- I was actually doing that when I was pregnant but it was their sister site: babyfit.com).
-haven't had Dr. Pepper since 3:00 pm yesterday (!!!!)
-didn't have crap for breakfast

Let's be honest, how many people in this world is truly happy about their weight?  I can count like five people I know.  And even then, they are at a healthy weight, but they don't think they are (as in they keep counting calories or skipping dessert-- which is probably why they are so skinny... I mean, healthy).  I'm not exactly sure what I was hoping for as far as reactions are concerned.  I don't know if I was looking for people to say to me, "You are beautiful", "don't be so hard on yourself"... which is exactly what I got.  I don't think I wanted people to say to me, "Well, it's about time you admitting you're on the heavy side.  Let's see you try to loose weight, although I'm sure you will fail."  I know my friends and family would not say that to me.   They are the most supportive family and friends out there.  But still, a blog is about your feelings and if I recall correctly, I wrote that post after I went to the bathroom.... I tried on three shirts that morning... I just couldn't get comfortable.

I don't want anyone to think I'm self-loathing, but I also don't want people to think that I'm not going to do anything about it.  Reading all the comments from Facebook, my email account and text messages, I know that I need to do something and fairly quickly.  I'm thinking about starting another blog just to document this journey to freedom.

Hopefully I am ready to take the plunge.  Making sure I have good portion control, taking in less sugar and fat, getting rid of Dr. Pepper (gasp) and not eating out as much.  Here are my promises:

I promise to eat at least one healthy meal a day.
I promise to try and walk often.
I promise to not be hard on myself (within reason).
I promise to try not to drink Dr. Pepper and chocolate.
I promise to drink more water.
I promise to work on my will power.
I promise to be nice to those people around me.
I promise to ask for help.
I promise to listen to others' stories and not judge them.

Maybe that will help. All those promises.

I just want to reiterate that I am a happy person.  I love my life, my family and friends, my beautiful baby boy and my wonderful husband.  I wouldn't trade my life for anything-- I also don't regret any of the life-changing decisions I've made so far.  But I do want to change my lifestyle, because in the long-run, it will be better for my family.  And of course, me.

To all my readers, I hope I did not cause you to worry.  I just needed to write as an outlet.