breastfeeding for almost a year

I think I'm at that point where McCoy isn't getting what he needs from me.  It's been almost a year of breastfeeding.  I'm very proud of myself for doing it this long even though I've been getting some discouragement from a co-worker and embarrassment from my brother.  I want to share with you (really, so I can remember) some stories of breastfeeding and some feelings I have toward the beautiful gift I'm giving to my son.

I remember having a hard time getting McCoy to latch on at the hospital.  My mom was helping me trying to get him to latch on and after about five minutes, she asked "Is he on there?"  And I told her yes, he was sucking away.  But when I took him off, I noticed a hickey on my breast!!  He wasn't latched on at all, only to have been sucking on my skin!  After we got home, I only remember one night where McCoy was crying and crying and I couldn't figure out why he wasn't eating.  I even woke up Whit and had him come in there to talk me out of giving him a bottle with formula.  He was only about two or three weeks old.  Whit came in and helped me and he nursed just fine.  Other than that one night and the incident in the hospital, I think my McCoy is a wonderful nurser.  We really haven't had any problems with latching on.  He bit for a while-- maybe only a week or so.  But he stopped that pretty fast.  When he bites, he is not hungry and he's only playing. :)  Maybe just bored I guess.  I played on Facebook when I'm bored; McCoy bites his mother...  Weird child.

My favorite time of the day to nurse is in the morning.  After McCoy has been asleep for the night, he usually wakes up about 4:30.  I gladly greet him and scoop him up in my arms and we walk together to my bed.  He lays between Whit and I and I nurse him back to sleep.  I love this comfort.  I feel his body close to mine and I feel Whit's body close to his.  I know that we are all three safe.  I think that this time is more of a routine that we have set.  I know that he doesn't need this "food" from me now.  It's more of a together bonding time.  He is usually back to sleep in about 15 minutes.  I just love sleeping next to him.  Although I have to admit, I get much better sleep when he is not in our bed-- those mornings, though, they are just perfect for cuddling and nursing my sweet baby boy.  Especially if it is raining and dark outside-- that's the best!

I love his face when I'm getting ready to breastfeed him.  He usually scrunches up his nose and starts whimpering like a little puppy... hurry up, hurry up!  I love how his little fingers run up and down my arm and occasionally my belly.  He finds my belly button and sticks his fingers in there as he is concentrating on his task at hand.

My breastfeeding journey is about to end, I believe.  I don't want it to, and just as we were moving McCoy out of our room-- I just kept delaying the process.  I have a feeling I'll do the same thing with nursing.  So it might be when McCoy turns one, maybe later!

tired.

Mom time.

Please don't get me wrong.  I love being a mother.  I love being a mother to McCoy.  He is so sweet and so charming.  His little personality is starting to shine through and everyday he seems to learn more and is able to express himself better.  I love watching him explore the world around him and develop into such a little boy.

But I'm tired.  I'm tired because not only am I being a mother to McCoy, I'm also being a wife to Whit, a piano teacher to my students, a bell ringer with Rezound, and a music teacher to some 500 children.  When I get home, I'm exhausted.  I want to rest and relaxed.  But as nature calls, I can't.  I need to be at rehearsal.  I need to cook dinner.  I need to nurse my baby.  I need to teach piano.  I need to clean up the house.  

I love my life.  I don't want to change anything.  But I want to escape for only a day (or two!).  I know I could never do that for several reasons.  The first reason would be that it is unpractical.  McCoy is only 11 months old.  I can't leave my family.  The other reason is I have to continue with my obligations.  And the final reason is because even if I DID escape for a day or two, I wouldn't be able to relax.  I wouldn't be able to do what I wanted to do because I would worry all day and all night about my little baby boy.  

The thing is, even if I did come home and relax, the stuff would be waiting for me the next day and the next day and the next.  Then I would feel overwhelmed and behind and rushed. 

Thank you, dear reader for listening to me complain.  Again.

Time to get happy, Tenessa.   

high expectations are not always what they seem

I've learned a few things in the last couple of months.  The high expectations that I have for others are not always what I think they should be.  For example: hanging out with someone. I think in my mind that this experience is going to be great.  That it is going to be wonderful.  That my friendship and relationship with this person is going to strengthen and become more fulfilling.  And when the time comes; that person fails to deliver the way I think it ought to be.  This means that my perception on many relationships are oftentimes wrong or don't happen the way I think it will.

So what does this mean for me?  How should I stop this crazy let down in my life?  I guess I should start by not having any preconceived notions about another person.  I should let that person develop the way they are going to develop, instead of predicting how it will turn out.  I guess I should also judge less.

It's just hard when you count on or believe really strongly for someone and then they let you down.  Oh well.  I guess that relationship was not as strong as I was hoping.