The End of the Year is Hard

Especially when you are having your second day of dieting.

The kids bring you chocolate and food and presents.  And it's all so good!  One kid brought me a KING SIZE Hershey bar.  I'm a sucker for Hershey's bars!  Nothing beats that creamy, pure, sweet chocolate taste.  It is so lovely.  But weaning myself, I only took three squares from it.  That's a pretty good step since I could polish off that whole bar in a day.  And I would have.  It would have been chocolate for breakfast, chocolate for a mid-morning snack, and of course, chocolate for lunch and the rest of it after the kiddos left in the afternoon.  I'm serious.  That's way too much chocolate to even consume on a weekly basis!!!

Last night I cooked up some butternut squash ravioli.  It was pre-packaged frozen ravioli, but I added the sauce.  I melted butter and put fresh sage in the skillet to cook that.  (Bonus: The sage was organic and it was on a "manager's special".  $.49 for the whole package!).  I decided that the butter sauce was not very healthy and added in peas and match-stick carrots.  Satuteed those puppies up and added a cup of water.  Then I added the cooked pasta and served it up.  It was really good, although I think I will add less sage next time.  It was really potent!  Unfortunately McCoy didn't care for it too much, but we think  he wasn't feeling well last night.

Even though I'm making some changes to my life (for weight and appearance purposes), I haven't weighed myself yet.  I plan to though and I will keep a running tally of how much I loose, if anything.  I'm going camping tomorrow for a week and a half and am not sure how much I'm going to be able to control when I'm there.  My dad is there now, and he said he and I can go walking, with the Mac Attack in tow.  So, I'll have to bring my tennies!!

Oh and by the way, I haven't had a Dr. Pepper since Tuesday!  One small step, but it's a step.  Every time I want a drink, I just take a drink of *yucky* water instead.  How tasteless water is!

second thoughts

Well, it seems as though I might have done the wrong thing here.  I posted about my unhappiness with my weight and appearance and I got "in trouble" for it.  I thought blogs were supposed to be a journal.  Yes, I know.  It's a journal that everyone can read, but still it's supposed to be my thoughts and feelings.  I very rarely type out how something has actually made me feel.  It is something I wanted to improve on with my writing.  When I post to my blog, I write about what happened during my day, how I'm going to better myself, what I plan to do next, lists, lists, lists... it seems as though my online journal has little to do with me.  The person who is doing all the writing.

I want to have someone hold me accountable for losing weight, but I know that the changes need to start with me.  My list making skills will always be present-- so I thought I would start where I'm comfortable.  A list.

Changes I need to make ASAP:
-don't drink any more Dr. Pepper
-drink only water
-make at least one healthy meal a day (usually dinner)
-walk, walk, walk
-pray

Things to start in the near future:
-exercise (GROAN)
-read motivational books, quotes, blogs
-healthy meal planning (cut out meats??)
-eat more fresh produce and vegetables
-thinking about joining weight watchers
-create a blog just about my "journey" to freedom

What else shall I add to that list?

Here is what I've done so far:
-enrolled in Sparkpeople.com (so many people suggested that-- I was actually doing that when I was pregnant but it was their sister site: babyfit.com).
-haven't had Dr. Pepper since 3:00 pm yesterday (!!!!)
-didn't have crap for breakfast

Let's be honest, how many people in this world is truly happy about their weight?  I can count like five people I know.  And even then, they are at a healthy weight, but they don't think they are (as in they keep counting calories or skipping dessert-- which is probably why they are so skinny... I mean, healthy).  I'm not exactly sure what I was hoping for as far as reactions are concerned.  I don't know if I was looking for people to say to me, "You are beautiful", "don't be so hard on yourself"... which is exactly what I got.  I don't think I wanted people to say to me, "Well, it's about time you admitting you're on the heavy side.  Let's see you try to loose weight, although I'm sure you will fail."  I know my friends and family would not say that to me.   They are the most supportive family and friends out there.  But still, a blog is about your feelings and if I recall correctly, I wrote that post after I went to the bathroom.... I tried on three shirts that morning... I just couldn't get comfortable.

I don't want anyone to think I'm self-loathing, but I also don't want people to think that I'm not going to do anything about it.  Reading all the comments from Facebook, my email account and text messages, I know that I need to do something and fairly quickly.  I'm thinking about starting another blog just to document this journey to freedom.

Hopefully I am ready to take the plunge.  Making sure I have good portion control, taking in less sugar and fat, getting rid of Dr. Pepper (gasp) and not eating out as much.  Here are my promises:

I promise to eat at least one healthy meal a day.
I promise to try and walk often.
I promise to not be hard on myself (within reason).
I promise to try not to drink Dr. Pepper and chocolate.
I promise to drink more water.
I promise to work on my will power.
I promise to be nice to those people around me.
I promise to ask for help.
I promise to listen to others' stories and not judge them.

Maybe that will help. All those promises.

I just want to reiterate that I am a happy person.  I love my life, my family and friends, my beautiful baby boy and my wonderful husband.  I wouldn't trade my life for anything-- I also don't regret any of the life-changing decisions I've made so far.  But I do want to change my lifestyle, because in the long-run, it will be better for my family.  And of course, me.

To all my readers, I hope I did not cause you to worry.  I just needed to write as an outlet.

fat girl in the mirror

A lonely fat girl.

I'm looking in the mirror and I'm disgusted by what I see.  I see an pudgy faced girl, with no make up.  I see a girl who has dark circles under her eyes, a mustache growing on her upper lip and bushy eye brows that make a person double-take.  Then I look down from her face.  I see fat arms with bumps all over and swollen fingers.  Further still and I see a donut/muffin top/inter-tube encircling her mid-section.  I see pants that don't fit right, and shirts that are either too big or too tight.  How did I let this happen?  How did a once skinny girl become so unattractive?  I'll tell you how.  It's her inability to say no.

Dr. Pepper has always been a part of my life, ever since about the 3rd grade.  I became friends with a girl who was allowed to drink one Dr. Pepper a day, only if she asked for permission.  Even though it was never a rule in my house, it became one for me.  I would ask my mother for permission to drink a Dr. Pepper and then I would limit it to that one.  I never asked her for another one just because I didn't think I could.  Until one day.  I can't remember exactly when that was-- I was probably in high school or something.  But I asked if I could have another one, and mom said "Oh, I don't care, honey".  And thus began my journey.  My journey to fat-ness.

Since being pregnant and married, I found myself to not care what I look like.  It's always been a hatred of mine to wear make-up and get all dolled up for things like going out with friends, going out to eat, or even going to work.  I just don't consider myself a girly-girl and therefore I don't take the time to put make up on.  After I had McCoy, I noticed that I lost a lot of weight and I began to get back to "normal" (whatever that is).  And I continued to drink my Dr. Pepper and eat my cookies.  And then as I breast-fed less, I packed on more pounds.  My mother was right, breastfeeding helps keep the weight off.  But as he needed less, I felt like I needed more.  Perhaps I've filled that void in my life (McCoy "needing" me less) with eating.

Everyday, I walk into work and I say to myself, "This will be the day that I quit eating chocolate and/or Dr. Pepper."  As I say this, I tell myself, "tomorrow, tomorrow.... I will start tomorrow."  I have no will power.  I look at my friends from college and high school and even my own family members and I can't help comparing myself to them.  It's human nature to compare oneself to others.

What am I going to do?  I have no idea.  I wish I could say I would/could work out and work on eating more healthy-- cutting out the unneccessary fat from my life.  But I can't do it alone.  I need someone (not someone skinny and already less than their healthy weight), to help me keep on track.  I need a plan.  For once in my life, I have no plan.  I have nothing to guide me into the right direction.

Please help me.  What do I need to do in order to get back to myself?  To be happy with my image?  To be comfortable in my own clothes and body?  What can I do (besides going to the gym)?  Let's face it, I won't do it-- it is going to have to be something that I can do without really knowing I'm working out.

Maybe a game will work with me.  Maybe I should log EVERYTHING I eat on my blog in order to be accountable for it.  But I need someone to actually hold me accountable.  Like a pen-pal or something.  Maybe I get so many "points" for not having chocolate or Dr. Pepper each day.  Maybe I need a new hobby, something to do with McCoy that will take my mind off eating and drinking that sinful drink.  Let's see if I can come up with a game for myself that will make me want to strive for excellence.  I know I can't do it alone.  Maybe I can recruit my mother in playing with me (or holding me accountable).  Yes, let's start there.

But I start this game... tomorrow.

A Post About Sleep

See?  My baby does sleep.  And he has since he was a wee little baby.  But seriously, even though he is asleep in every single one of these photos, he doesn't sleep as well as the average baby.  Don't worry, I don't love him less because of it, but man, I used to think, "If only he would sleep better..."

A couple of pros from my sleepy baby-- When he was born, he automatically knew when night was night and when day was day.  I have to hand it to him for that.  A friend of mine had a baby 5 weeks after McCoy was born and she was up with him for a couple of hours during the 3-4 am shift.  I was lucky because that was not happening at the Martin household.  McCoy would fall asleep every time I fed him.  That was another pro.  He was a "milk coma" baby.  He loved his Mommy Milk.  :)

But here's where it started to get tricky.  He would not, could not, refused to sleep through the night.  I would here mothers, giggling and smiling from excitement that their children began sleeping through the night at 5 weeks old.  I waited at 5 weeks... at 6 weeks... at 8 weeks... at 4 months... at 6 months... at 9 months... at 12 months... at 18 months.... still McCoy did not sleep through the night.  I tried everything (that I could think of).  I tried letting him cry (didn't see a consistent response to that), I tried giving him food before we went to bed, I tried a bedtime routine, I tried letting him run and run and run and run, I tried bedtime books, I tried... I tried... I tired, very tired.

And then, as he turned 18 months old, he got "kicked out" of the infant room (okay, not kicked out, but moved up) to the ButterBears room.  And that night, a glorious halo of darkness shone over his crib and angels lulled him to a deep, deep sleep.  Because that night, 4:00 am rolled around and I didn't hear him wake up.  Hallelujah!  Okay, but this was probably just a fluke, he's done this before-- he has slept through the night before.  So, I waited until the next night.... He didn't wake up!  Again!  And the whole week was the same.  Until, of course, Saturday night.  And Sunday night.  And looking at a calendar, it proves that McCoy only sleeps through the night when he is thoroughly worn out from ButterBears.  I need to be more structured and offer more activities for my dear little one on the weekends.

update on life

Let's see.  It's been some time since I updated.  Not too terribly long, but long enough to list several things that have happen since.  I can't tell you how many blogs I've started, only to push the little X at the top of the computer screen.... "no, I don't want to save" and "yes, I want to leave this page."  It's all mumbo, jumbo.  Nothing really special, nothing well-written.  But if I keep that up, I'll never post again!  So, here is it, an un-well-written blog post about life.  An update on life.

Let's look ahead before going back.  This summer!  It's almost here.  Although lately it feels like it's been summer for months.  The weather jumped from 50's to 90's almost 100's!!  This is the first summer in a while that I don't have a big thing planned.  I'm super excited about this new-found freedom!  Even though I have a few things on the calendar, it's not a 2-week course, like last year or going on bell tour like last year.  This is what is set in stone on my calendar so far (get ready for a short list!).  Let's see-- I'm going to Branson for Memorial Day (leaving May 27 and returning on June 4), Rezound concert on June 5, going to St. Louis for a conference (leaving on June 8 and returning on June 11).  And then I volunteered to be a "techy" at my school, so in order to do that, I have to attend an "Academy" July 11-15 from 8:00-12:00.  Done.  (Plus I get paid for it!  I'm so there!).

Okay, so that's the stuff I have to do.  Here is a partial list of the things that I want to do with McCoy and his little friends.  Not all of them have a specific date, but here are a few.  Powell Gardens (meeting the "real dinosaurs"), Chaulk and Walk at Crown Center, Water Gardens of Kansas City, Prairie Park, Kaleidescope, Wonderscope, Mahaffie Stagecoach Stop, Kansas City Zoo, Deana Rose Farmstead, Farmer's Markets, Red Barn Farm, and Rainforest Adventure Exhibit just to name some of the things I have planned.  I also plan on going on nature walks, strollers strolls, swimming, swimming, swimming!  And of course, I plan on cleaning my house good-- getting ready for sales (I'm doing consignment sales this year).  Can't wait for summer to begin!  (Oh yea, I'm also planning on really cleaning out my classroom.  I need to oragnize my closets and book shelves.  It's been long enough, and I can't find anything!)

Now that we've looked to the future, let's look upon the past.

We went to Branson a couple of weekends ago.  And although it rained for a day and a half, we had a great time!  Our cabin at Tresure Lake RV Resort was really nice.  It had a covered porch and a deck on it, which we ate outside some.  We went to Silver Dollar City (used our season passes!) and had a lovely time, just the three of us.  I think we both agreed, it's a lot of fun with more people but it was nice to spend it with just our family.  We rented a movie from Redbox, cooked in our cabin, went to the Hollywood Wax Museum (it was just okay), and shopped a bit.  We went to Osceola Cheese Factory and spent $45.00 on CHEESE!  (I know, right?)  It was nice to be away from school for a day and I had a great time.

School has been pretty interesting lately.  It is really remarkable to see the way that people act when they know they are leaving for the next year.  I've found many teachers that have "checked out" early-- it's not May 27th yet, folks.  I heard someone say, "Let's not count the days, let's make the days count." Oh that is just what everyone wants to hear, but it's so true.  We aren't done yet.  Even though I made all my programs done at the end of February, I'm still so busy!  Calendar in one week shows Rezound practice on Monday, two piano lessons on Tuesday, Piano Recital on Wednesday, Dave Ramesy class followed by Choir and Band Concert on Thursday and Kindergarten Program during school on Friday.  I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.  I will.  I have to! :)

Rezound has been another hard area of my life right now.  I've been asked if I will continue, and although I have lots of pros and cons about joining again, I'm left to really examine my life and schedule.  It was a tough fall semester, because we had so many concerts right in a row, followed by the symphony.  I wouldn't trade it for the world, but it was tough.  This spring has been hard, not because of concerts, but because Whit has been out of town on most Monday rehearsal nights and won't be here for concerts (to watch McCoy).  So, with the added stress that I will not be able to go on tour this year (I'll be in St. Louis for my school conference at the same time), I've got this feeling that my practicing and hard work isn't really worth it.  I'm practicing for what?  Two concerts?  Big deal.  I've got to remember not to think that way-- remember "Let's not count days, let's make days count".  Yea, yea, yea.  Who knows how I'll feel come August.  I'm sure I'll be wanting more.

My mother has been the back bone of my family.  I couldn't do anything without her.  She looks after me and McCoy without a complaint and she does it out of love.  Everyday, she is willing to be there for me and Macadoo.  I have spent several nights with her (while Whit is gone) and she has watched McCoy countless hours while I have rehearsals, concerts, and lessons.  Sometimes I wish that I didn't rely on her so much, and I tell myself that I'm not going to call on her to do something, but then it always ends up the same.  I call her out of despair and she comes galloping to my rescue.  Thanks, Mom!  And then in my head I say to myself, "I've got to figure this out for myself."  But I forgot my lunch.... Moooooommmmm?  Can you get me something to eat?  Mooooooooooommmmmmmmmm? Can I have some cookies?  Moooooooooooommmmmmmmm?  Can you watch McCoy?  Mooooooommmmmmmmmm?  I need something to drink.....  I love you, Moooooooooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

Okay, so that's my little big update on life so far.  Among other things, I got a new laptop at work (a MacBook Pro) and I'm supposed to get a new iPad 2 before summer (I won't hold my breath).  I am requesting a Flip Camera for my classroom for next year (although it absoultly sucks concerning the battery on the sucker).  I decided to do a Talent Show... o. m. g.  That's another blog post in itself.  I'm working on my budgets and debt snowball and moved my money to an ING account.  Thinking about starting another blog about my money issues... I love money and numbers and budgets and stuff now.  Thank you, Dave Ramesy.  I love him-- not as much as McCoy and Whit, but almost as much a chocolate and Dr. Pepper.

I can't have a post without a picture.  So...

Mops and Money

I'm hoping to win from a sweepstakes from the Frugal Girl.  I hope I win!


Mops and Money